


your lips, my lips, apocalypse

by thunderylee



Category: Kanjani8 (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Romantic Angst, longitudinal drama, maruyama cameo, right in the feels, sex with feelings, yamapi cameo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 14:15:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13572291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: The saga of Shige and Ryo and everything they never were.





	your lips, my lips, apocalypse

**Author's Note:**

> i watched the live live live concert and it was a huge mistake. title are lyrics from the song "apocalypse" by cigarettes after sex.

"Are we really doing this again?" Shige asks, his words dying on Ryo's lips.

"Did we ever really stop?" Ryo replies, and Shige can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not.

It doesn't matter anyway, because all Shige knows for the next couple minutes is everything he's been trying to forget for the past fifteen years.

*

It happens every time they cross paths. They're like magnets, attracting each other whenever they get too close, even though they both know it won't last any longer than this. Even though history has proven time and time again that they're absolutely horrible for each other, they keep giving in to the impulse. Fuck now, regret later.

After the tenth or twentieth time (he lost count), Shige stopped hating himself for it.

"Eito's gonna be on Best Artist with us next week," Tegoshi had said before the holidays, flashing Shige his best smile. "Make sure to bring a condom."

"Don't be a bitch, Tego," Koyama had admonished him, though the glance he had given Shige was disapproving.

Shige knows he has messed up when _Koyama_ is disappointed with him. To be fair, Koyama is the one who has to deal with the aftermath, wordlessly comforting Shige the next morning and however long it takes him to get over it. _Again_. If they're both lucky, it's just sex. Sex, he can handle.

It's the feelings that knock his world off its axis.

*

Ryo's worn the same cologne for nine years. A creature of habit, he's probably worn it a lot longer than that, but Shige has only been close enough to smell it for that long.

There's probably some sensory association involved in his attraction, where the mere scent makes his thoughts go right to sex, but his brain isn't coherent enough to think too much about it. As it is, he can remember his name and the name of the person he's with, but that's about it.

Being with Ryo is like a high, the kind that takes him to another plane of reality for a while. The kind that lingers like opiates in his veins for hours after, even when the other half of the bed is cold. Ryo's touch burns his skin, engraving his power over Shige into mindless patterns that Shige feels for days, and whenever the wind blows.

Ryo tastes like cigarettes and Shige's a fiend, fusing their mouths together as they rush to tear each other's clothes off. If they're lucky, they make it back to one of their homes first. If they're not, there's an abandoned parking lot with some burnt-out streetlights that serve the purpose.

Like any other drug, Shige wishes he could stop, but it feels too good. For a couple hours, the only responsibility he has is fucking Ryo senseless, straining his ears to hear Ryo's soft whimpering and smelling _that fucking cologne_.

*

Shige doesn't actually know when it started. According to Kusano, Shige's always had a hard-on for Ryo (Kusano's words). He pinpoints the exact moment before NEWS even existed, during some junior event where Ryo had a solo and Shige allegedly had hearts in his eyes. Shige couldn't have been more than thirteen years old; what did he even know about those kinds of feelings back then? If anything, he was just admiring his senpai. Ryo had a lot of admirers back then. He still does.

Koyama thinks it was after NEWS was formed, but before the first hiatus. Tegoshi disagrees and claims it was once they were six members and Shige and Ryo started butting heads, their own special blend of foreplay. Massu doesn't _care_ , as he consistently reminds them, but he started pointing out when Shige would act differently after his interactions with Ryo shortly following the last reformation.

In a way, his three current bandmates are all right. Ryo took Shige's first kiss when he was eighteen and helped him figure out his sexuality at twenty-one, and it wasn't until Ryo left the group that they tried to date seriously. All three instances ended up in a big mess, but they never learned from their mistakes. Clearly.

There's something about Ryo that keeps drawing Shige back despite the consequences, and judging by the ferocity with which they collide every single time, it's safe to say that Ryo can't stay away from him either.

*

"Are you open to constructive criticism?" Ryo asked shortly after the release of _Pink and Gray_ , the first time they had spoken since he left NEWS.

Shige stared at him skeptically, wondering if it counted as a flame if it was done in person. "Sure."

Ryo spent the next twenty minutes tearing apart Shige's baby, everything from the characterization to the scenery descriptions, and he was in the middle of an elaborate rant about one of the more climatic scenes when he cut himself off abruptly.

"Why are you grinning?" he demanded.

"You really read it," Shige replied, beaming like he was a teenager being praised by his favorite senpai. "Hearing your strong reactions to my words makes me feel like a good writer."

Ryo scoffed. "I'm literally telling you everything I don't like about it."

"You still read it," Shige pointed out. "You could have stopped, but you didn't. Did you invite me out just to complain about it?"

"Yes..." Ryo answered slowly.

"Then it's my writing that singlehandedly saved our friendship," Shige told him with a facetious grin. "You're welcome."

"Don't go getting a big head," Ryo grumbled. "That's only cute on Tegoshi."

He was hiding a smile, and Shige felt on top of the world.

*

The pattern goes as follows: hook up after a performance/interview/that one time they ran into each other at the mall, trade empty promises about meeting up again, get busy, and give up. When they actually manage to make plans, they'll usually be rescheduled two or three times before they stop bothering with it anymore.

Ryo hates to text, and Shige hates trying to text with Ryo. Ryo is impossible to communicate with unless he's in the same room as Shige; even over the phone, Shige can't see his face or other nonverbal cues. They fought the most when they tried to talk anywhere other than in person. Shige has replaced his phone at least twice from throwing it against the wall in frustration.

It was mildly easier when they were in the same group, but only because it was more convenient to spend time together. They've always been bad at discussing their feelings, which is likely what has destined them to fail since the beginning—whenever that may have been.

At least, that's what Shige tells himself.

*

Maruyama is the only member of Kanjani8 whom Shige regularly sees, outside of bed anyway, and it's only for their monthly "Girlfriends" column in _Myojo_. Maruyama is the happiest person Shige knows; just looking at him has Shige forgetting the dreary day outside, the writer's block that's been kicking his ass, and his longitudinal drama with Ryo.

"You look really good with facial hair, Shige!" Maruyama praises him, and Shige surreptitiously brings his hand up to stroke the faint goatee he's managed to grow. "Ryo-chan thinks so too."

"He does, does he?" Shige asks, and Maruyama gives him a saucy eyebrow waggle. There are no secrets in Kanjani8.

That night, Shige spends entirely too long taking thoughtful-looking selfies and sends Ryo a whole slideshow of them. He doesn't expect a response, but his phone is flashing when he gets out of the bath.

_Come over_. _Now_.

Ryo lives across town, but Shige grabs his keys so fast that he drops them.

*

The longest they lasted was a couple years ago when they tried being roommates. Ryo moved in with Shige and they managed to maintain an actual honest-to-god relationship for almost five months. They kept thinking it was going to blow up in their faces, or at the very least the paparazzi would out them, but neither of those things ever happened.

Living with Ryo was probably the most peaceful Shige's ever existed with him. Neither one of them was big on going out, so most of their free evenings were spent curled up on the couch just relaxing together. Shige wrote the entirety of _Burn._ in Ryo's arms, listening to music through his earbuds while Ryo binge-watched Netflix and periodically fell asleep, snoring lightly into Shige's hair.

They were grossly domestic, cooking together whenever they had the chance and easily splitting up the chores. Shige would call Ryo from the grocery store to see what they needed and Ryo would text to let Shige know when he would be back late. Every morning was spent in a struggle to get out of bed (and subsequently each other's arms), and they genuinely missed each other when one or both were on tour.

Strangely enough, they didn't have sex very often once they had endless opportunities to do so. Ryo said it was because they could actually take the time to enjoy each other's company instead of cramming all of that intimacy into a couple hours. Shige said that was the sweetest thing he'd ever heard, and Ryo made fun of him for being a sap.

It ended when Ryo came home one day and announced he was moving back to his apartment. He'd kept his own place, mainly because Uchi still stayed there when he was in Tokyo, but somewhere in the back of Shige's mind, he'd known their arrangement was temporary. He never did find out why Ryo left, because Ryo couldn't articulate his feelings in a way that made sense, and Shige wasn't about to beg him to stay and talk it out. He'd thought it was going well—really well—but apparently, he was the only one.

That breakup was the hardest on Shige, because there was so much _Ryo_ still in his space even after the actual person was gone. He'd organized Shige's movies a different way (by genre instead of alphabetically), and Shige didn't feel like putting them back the way they were. There were things they'd bought together, decorations and linens and even small appliances that Ryo didn't take with him. Shige wouldn't have fought him for anything; he could have had it all.

Years later, he starts the elaborate brand-name rice cooker and has flashbacks of bumping into each other in the kitchen, both of them purposely wearing ridiculous frilly aprons while trying out a new recipe. It's a pleasant memory, but it hurts at the same time, because now Shige's cooking alone.

"I can't even make rice without getting sad," he whines to Koyama.

_Maybe stop fucking him then_ , is probably what Koyama wants to say, but all he does is listen and sympathize. He really is a good friend.

*

But he can't stop.

Ryo's feisty tonight, hands creeping under Shige's clothes like he can't wait long enough for them to come off. Shige finds himself up against the back of Ryo's front door and it takes a moment for him to catch up, which he never really gets with Ryo in his mouth and Ryo's hand around his cock.

They don't make it to the bedroom. They don't even make it to the couch. Shige's back hits the hardwood floor and he's going to regret this tomorrow for more than the usual reasons, but Ryo's on top of him and grinding against him before he can even think about protesting.

"Are you actually going to do all the work?" Shige asks, feigning amazement, because even in the midst of passion they still give each other shit like it's 2008.

Ryo laughs and "accidentally" drops the tube of lubricant on Shige's face. He kisses Shige before Shige can respond, making all possible anger dissipate, and Shige takes out his frustration on Ryo instead, prepping him a little too hard and too fast.

Joke's on him, because Ryo likes it rough, and lying there while Ryo rides him rates up there as one of the hottest sexual experiences of Shige's life.

His back kills him for a week.

*

Shige hears about Ryo's radio show from Yamashita, of all people. They're as estranged as anyone else in Johnny's with whom Shige doesn't regularly interact, though every now and then Yamashita will send him a message. Writers he meets, books he hears about, anything he thinks Shige would find interesting.

The last message in their text history is Yamashita holding up both ages of _Tuberose wo Matteru_ , his bangs pulled up in a fountain with his lips pursed like a duck. Shige's first instinct had been to call him on his bluff, and Yamashita admitted that he would probably never read them, but he wanted to support Shige in his writing endeavors.

This time, Yamashita's mailing him about his _other_ special interest.

_Ryo-chan said on the radio that he cried while doing the dishes because it reminded him that he was eating alone. Isn't that sad? ;~;_

Shige actually thinks it's Koyama at first, then notices where the Yama kanji is. He doesn't know why Yamashita's contacting him out of the blue about Ryo, but it doesn't matter—he's already affected.

_Cook for me if you're so lonely_ , he sends to Ryo.

He doesn't get a response.

*

Every Sunday, Shige's manager sends him his schedule for the following week. Every now and then, he'll request time off for something he really wants to do on a particular day, but for the most part he just lets her plan his life. As idols go, Shige likes to think he's one of the easier ones. The last thing he ever wants is for someone to have to apologize for him, like Tegoshi's poor manager literally everywhere he brings Emma.

He's in a concert planning meeting when he receives her email, and he has to read it three times to make sure that one of his appointments really does say "dinner with Nishikido-kun."

"He went through our managers?" he asks out loud, earning the attention of both Koyama and Tegoshi. (Massu doesn't pay him any mind.)

"They're probably still friends," Tegoshi points out. "They must have spent a lot of time together when you two were shacking up."

"I'm surprised they don't hate each other," Massu volunteers, seeming to forget that he was purposely ignoring them. "My manager can't stand Tegoshi's, which makes our Tegomasu activities entertaining."

Tegoshi shrugs, looking unbothered as he fixes his attention on Shige. "Are you two gonna try to date properly again?"

"I don't know," Shige answers honestly. "We never talk about anything. We just...you know."

Koyama, who has been uncharacteristically quiet this whole time, drops his phone to the table with a defined _bang_ , earning all of their attention. "Because you won't fucking tell him what you want!"

They stare at him. Massu's snack falls right out of his mouth and Tegoshi looks mildly aroused. Shige's doing a mental search to see if Koyama has _ever_ risen his voice like that in the entire time Shige has known him, coming up blank.

"I _always_ tell him—"

"No. You don't." Koyama speaks crisply, his eyes scary as they narrow at Shige. "You let him keep walking away from you because you won't fight for him to stay. Any other time, you will stand up and speak your mind without hesitation. What's stopping you from doing it now? You're only passive with him."

Shige opens his mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. He closes his mouth and blinks, his brain absorbing Koyama's harsh words as he realizes the truth in them.

"I don't know," he says again, his voice wavering. "I can't put my thoughts into words around him."

"Write him a letter," Tegoshi suggests.

"I'm not going to—"

"That's a good idea," Koyama interrupts, and Tegoshi preens. "You're a writer, aren't you? Write out your feelings. Don't hold anything back. Print them out, or manually write them on a piece of paper, and physically give it to him when you have dinner next week. Stand there while he reads it. Make sure he understands how you feel and what you want."

"Okay," Shige agrees. "As long as you never yell at me again. That was scary!"

Koyama laughs, and Shige's nerves stop shaking. "Tough love, Shige!"

*

If Shige was going to go gay for anyone, he'd thought it would have been Koyama. But it definitely wasn't Koyama he was kissing at one of Yamashita's infamous after-parties, back before the underage drinking in which they all partook would tear their group apart.

Shige wasn't sober, but neither was Ryo. To this day, Shige doesn't remember how it happened, but he was very aware of it happening, Ryo's hands on his face and Ryo's lips pressed to his, Shige slowly imitating everything Ryo did until it came naturally. He was always a quick learner like that.

It was the first documented occasion that Ryo's entire attention was on Shige, and Shige liked it.

"You know, that was my first kiss," Shige told him the next day, when both Koyama and Kusano were teasing them endlessly about it. They hadn't exactly been secluded in the middle of the main room.

Ryo's grin was permanently emblazoned in his memory. "You should be honored."

Shige hadn't yet grown into his confidence, but he was still a cocky brat. "Be honored that I gave it to you."

The next time it happened, they were alone. They both liked it, so they should do it again, was Ryo's logic. Ryo may have barely been an adult, but he seemed worlds older to Shige.

"Does this mean I'm gay?" Shige asked after the fourth or fifth time.

"Do you still like girls?" Ryo counter-asked.

Shige frowned as he tried to think about short skirts and all the other things Koyama wouldn't shut up about. "I think so."

"It's okay to like both," Ryo told him, and the weight of a decision Shige didn't have to make (yet) lifted from his shoulders. "I like both."

"I like _you_ ," Shige blurted out, as certain as someone who just graduated high school could be, and he felt Ryo's grin against his lips.

*

"I didn't know where else to go," Shige admitted, lingering in the entryway of Ryo's apartment. He'd only been here a few times, and always with another person.

"You know the only way to know for sure, right?" Ryo asked, busying himself in the kitchen so that he didn't have to look at Shige. Shige wouldn't find this out for a couple years, but Ryo had been nervous too.

"I do," Shige said slowly, using all of his courage to flash Ryo his trademark idol smile when the older man returned with two beers. "I've thought about nothing else for the past couple weeks."

"Oh, _really_?" Ryo replied, smirking while Shige felt his face heat up. "Hey, it's okay. It's just me."

Shige stared in awe at the uncharacteristic comforting from this person. "It's weird when you're nice to me."

Ryo laughed out loud. "Are you so masochistic that you prefer when I'm mean to you?"

"No," Shige mumbled, ready to call off the whole thing and worry about this later, when he found someone who made him question his sexuality as much as Ryo did. (He wouldn't.)

"Look," Ryo said in that exasperated tone he only seemed to use with Shige. "I'm not going to make you fuck me. But if you want to, whether it's to see if you're really into guys or because you're into _me_ , I'll do it."

"Why?" Shige asked. "You don't even like me."

Ryo snorted. "Stupid. I like you too much."

At barely twenty-one years old, Shige didn't know what to do with that information. So, he did what felt natural—he kissed Ryo. Ryo kissed back with a fiery passion he hadn't shown before, one that told Shige they weren't just going to make out this time.

Trading handjobs in the bathroom during Yamashita's solo did nothing to prepare Shige for what it felt like to have Ryo completely, to take his time and become familiar with Ryo's body, absorbing the sights and sounds of Ryo during such an intimate activity. He was mesmerized by the way Ryo's skin shuddered beneath his touch, the breathy moans he could barely hear over the sound of his own pounding heart.

He listened and paid attention and when Ryo arched beneath him, moaning Shige's name while Shige pounded him into the mattress, Shige was already addicted.

*

It wasn't always sexual, or even physical. Shige did genuinely _like_ Ryo, who he was and who he became, whether they were in the same group or not. Ryo _inspires_ him, if just out of spite, and he owes a lot of the adult he is today to the man standing before him, reading the letter Shige had spent an entire week precariously scrawling in his messy handwriting.

They'd already eaten. Ryo hadn't made anything extravagant, but Shige would have been fine eating take-out as long as it was with Ryo. Surprisingly, Shige didn't have any flashbacks to when they were living together, probably because they're at Ryo's place that is sparsely decorated compared to Shige's.

When Shige didn't feel an immediate desire to throw Ryo up against the nearest wall upon walking in the door, he knew that what he feels is real. Everything he'd written in that letter, the feelings he'd poured out through his pen and struggled to make coherent sense out of, they were real. Shige is a published novelist and the most difficult thing he's ever written is in Ryo's hands right now, each character scanned by those hard eyes that have softened with age.

Shige feels uncharacteristically patient as he waits for Ryo to finish reading. He's in no rush. This is the last thing on his schedule, so Ryo can take as long as he likes. The only thing that will suffer is Shige's sleep, but it hasn't been that peaceful for the past couple days (or years) anyway.

Regardless of Ryo's response, Shige won't have to worry anymore.

After what feels like an hour, but is probably only a few minutes, Ryo puts down the single piece of paper and takes a deep breath. Shige had kept it short, only the front side filled in with everything he's been wanting to say for the past couple years, everything he held back when they were together because he didn't want to ruin what little affection he was getting.

Suddenly, Ryo stares at him, glaring in a way that has Shige thinking Ryo might just punch him in the face. "Why do you have to say this _now_?!"

Shige blinks. "What?"

"I left because you weren't in love with me," Ryo growls out, then holds up a hand when Shige opens his mouth. "I just sat here and read your overly dramatic manifesto, now let me talk."

Shige closes his mouth and sits back, breathing slowly to stay calm.

"You loved me, but you weren't in love with me," Ryo goes on, and Shige bites back his automatic defense. "You loved me like Koyama loved me, or Yamapi, or even Uchi. You _wanted_ me, but you weren't in love with me. Everything about our relationship was day-by-day, no plans for the future beyond what we scheduled with our managers. There was nothing romantic about it."

"I didn't think you wanted flowers," Shige grumbles.

Ryo actually laughs. "Romance is more than flowers, Shige," he says in this condescending tone, the one that makes Shige feel like an inexperienced kid again. "Uncertainty was fine and all when we were younger, but I wanted something serious. I was ready to settle down and seriously think about the future. You weren't."

"I am now," Shige says, assuring himself as well as Ryo. "Every time we have meaningless sex, it leaves me more and more fucked up. It has to be easier to stay together than it is to stay apart."

"Those are the wrong reasons." Ryo sighs, his eyes drifting back to the letter as he offers a solemn smile. "Thanks for this. I feel better knowing that I'm more than just a sex friend to you. I truly believe that you feel this way now, and you're ready to be in a serious relationship, but I'm sorry, it won't be with me."

"Why not?" Shige asks, trying his best not to pout. He's pretty sure he fails.

"I'm over you," Ryo says simply, and it hurts worse than when he left. "I decided the last time you broke my heart would be the _last_ time, and that was that. There comes a time when you have to give up trying to make the impossible happen and move on."

"I don't believe that." Shige's voice is firm, his earned confidence rising as he sits tall and meets Ryo's eyes. "Anything is possible if you try hard enough, but if you're giving up on us, then I have no choice."

"Passive aggression doesn't look good on you," Ryo tells him. He smiles in a sympathetic way like Shige's the only one affected by this, and Shige belatedly realizes that is exactly what Ryo is saying. "I will always love you, and I'm so proud of the adult you've become, but we won't be anything more than friends. I'm sorry."

"So am I," Shige says dryly. "For wasting my time."

Ryo's face falls as Shige gets to his feet, unable to keep his hands from shaking as he smooths the creases that had formed on his pants. "You don't have to go."

"Neither did you," Shige shoots back. "But you did, deciding for yourself what I wanted without even talking to me. I may be too late, but at least I tried. When I walk away from you now, there will be no doubt in your mind how I feel about you, and _you_ are the one who has to live with that."

He doesn't slam the door on his way out, but it's just as final. Each stair he steps on is an affirmation, repeating _it's over, it's over_ in his head until he reaches the landing, and when he walks out into the cool spring evening, he feels lighter.

Koyama's arms are just as welcoming as before, but what comforts Shige the most is knowing that this will be the last time.

*

"I'm Koyama," Koyama greeted the rest of the group with a bright grin. "Let's work well together as NEWS!"

Shige thought that his best friend was so brave for being the first to speak out like that. Koyama might not have grown into his limbs yet, but he was—in Shige's impressionable eyes—fearless. While Shige was happy to be debuting, he was equally as terrified to be thrown into a group with a bunch of teenagers he didn't really know; his only saving grace was that Koyama and Kusano were there too.

Aside from those two, Shige had worked with Moriuchi and Masuda a couple times before, and of course everybody already knew the famous Yamapi. Tegoshi was brand new and looked it, cowering like a baby bird in a nest of snapping older kids, and the other two were loud Kansai whose reputations preceded them.

"I'm Nishikido," Ryo announced, eyeing them all in turn. "Everything you heard about me is true."

"Especially the dirty stuff," added Uchi.

Ryo's gaze landed on Shige and Shige couldn't hide the visible jerk, outing his vulnerability in the first two seconds of their acquaintance. The slow way Ryo's face broke into a smirk would haunt Shige's dreams for years to come.

"Which K are you again?" Ryo demanded, and Shige prided himself on not tripping over his feet.

"I-I'm Kato," he got out, his traitorous pubescent voice cracking on him. He narrowed his eyes when Ryo laughed. "I lived in Osaka too, you know."

"You did, did you?" Ryo taunted, and then Uchi was eyeing him too. "In that case, I expect even more from you."

Shige just nodded, making it his goal to do his best for NEWS _and_ be so good that he wipes that smirk off of Ryo's stupid adorable face.

*

Ryo's just as beautiful at thirty-three as he was at nineteen, though the constant malice has faded from his face. Or maybe Shige just sees past that now.

Shige leans against the wall as he watches Kanjani8's performance from stage left. He can hear Ryo's voice perfectly, caressing his ear canal and coiling throughout his skin like an intimate touch. It's ironic how sexual his comparisons are when they're decidedly not doing that anymore, squashing down his lingering attraction in favor of his dignity.

The first time Shige turned him down, Ryo actually looked proud.

Watching him now, Shige feels empty. He doesn't remember a time when Ryo wasn't a large part of his heart, and now the other man is just a distant memory. The possibilities are endless; for the first time in Shige's recollection, he actually _looks_ at other people, considers whether it's worth approaching them and seeing what happens. He hasn't found anyone worth his effort quite yet, but he's not in any rush. He's still young, with his entire career still ahead of him.

Now, he can just be Kato Shigeaki instead of the Kato Shigeaki who's all fucked up over Nishikido Ryo.

One of his bandmates approaches him, the plastic of their costumes making it impossible to be quiet, and the floral perfume clues him into the member's identity before he speaks.

"You're not fooling anyone, you know," Tegoshi says, and Shige can see the frown without looking at him.

"No, I'm not," Shige agrees, offering Ryo one more glance before turning to head back. "Not anymore."


End file.
